On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous

I'm saying goodbye to this journal.

I created this diary because I wanted to vent about social issues I was having, but over the past year and a half, my life had changed... a lot. I've overcome most of the problems that brought me here, and every time I try to come up with a new entry, it feels like I'm pedaling backwards. I need to be able to write somewhere that has no trace of social anxiety, so that I can let that part of my life go, and move on. This journal takes me back to an emotional place where I no longer want to be.

So I'm leaving the entries open, but I will no longer be writing here.

Muchas gracias to those of you that I've been able to befriend, because of this journal. : )

All's well that ends well. <3

The last few weeks have been pretty odd, considering my heart issues and anxiety, but things are mostly back to normal now. Me and T are still "on a break," but we call each other every day and are very close. I haven't been out of the house, much -- haven't seen my friends in, oh, a month -- although I did see my extended family last weekend.

It was for my great uncle's funeral, someone I'd only met a few times, but who was a really great person. He was famous in the family for his guitar playing, and his cowboy boots and hat. The funeral service was nice -- I got to hang out with all of my Spanish-speaking relatives from Mexico, and felt a lot of envy for their gorgeous cheekbones (Come on... I'm supposedly Mexican, too. Where are mine?!). And as usual, the best time I had all weekend was spent playing with my 8 year old cousin and her 2 year old sister. ; ]

Now to completely change the subject, I have a random Facebook story to share. First of all, when did it get so easy to accidentally "Hug"/"Kick"/"Spank" people by clicking a single button on their profile? I happened to wander onto my ex-boyfriend's profile after he posted a note about being shipped out for Navy bootcamp next Monday, and on his profile was an adorable picture of a penguin... so I clicked on it, hoping to see more penguin cuteness and/or find out what it did, and a new page popped up to notify me that it was a one-click application to "Tickle" a friend. ... Oops! So I "Tickled" the ex-boyfriend that I still have enormous issues with even talking about, and it is now recorded on his profile for everyone to see. Damn penguins.

Being me, I just couldn't help but send him a message on Facebook to explain what happened. He thought it was funny... which made me let out a sigh of relief. And it has occurred to me, that yes, this guy is my ex, and I'm supposed to have gotten over him by now, but if I haven't... is that really so abnormal? I came to the conclusion this morning that maybe it's okay to miss him, a little bit... seeing as he was the first boy I ever hugged, ever dated, and one of few people who I've ever been able to be myself around. That's a big deal. Repeat: BIG DEAL. At least, it is for someone like me, who withholds herself from virtually everyone.

I have to be able to forgive myself for some things. I am the way that I am... and I'll take it in stride.

The relationship is officially "on a break."

I feel relieved and unsettled at the same time. But I'm following my heart, and I ultimately think that a break will be good for us, whatever happens in the end.

I saw the doctor yesterday, and she prescribed me a low dose of Xanax, which I can take as-needed if I have another panic attack in the future. I feel better just knowing that I have it, and that I can take care of myself if I need to. : )

But I've got some other problems, too, at the moment... I'm feeling very uncertain about my relationship. I'm realizing that my boyfriend is a very insecure person, and ever since I've known him, he's been depressed. I try to help him out with his issues, but it happens so often that it makes me feel like more of a psychologist or a mom, than a girlfriend. The problem is, I already broke up with him before, and being "just friends" didn't work out. I'm not sure if that means that we should stay together, or that we should break up and NOT try friendship. The second option worries me, because we've become best friends, and we have so much trust in between us. I don't know what to think.

I can't deal with all of this stress right now. But I feel like my eyes are open, and I don't like what I see in my relationship.

I was in a great mood yesterday and today -- but tonight, something kind of crazy happened. I had a really bad panic attack for the first time since high school.

It happened in the middle of one of my classes... I tried to wait it out, but I just couldn't sit still and I kept feeling like I was going to faint.

I don't know if I should even call it a panic attack, because it seemed like more of a spontaneous, rapid heart palpitation. I tried to relax and control my breathing, but my heart just would not calm down. I kept getting palpitations on and off for about 20 minutes...

So after struggling to hide it, I gave up and quietly left my poetry class to sit outside and call my boyfriend. I could hardly speak or walk steadily, which worried me, and I kept feeling like I was going to faint. I wound up walking to the Student Health Center, but it was closed, so they did me the kind favor of calling the paramedics. I didn't want to be hospitalized, so a policewoman who had come with the ambulance drove me to the police department, where I was picked up by my friend R.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see if it was caused by anything physical... I want to have my blood tested to see how healthy I am, considering the fact that I'm a vegetarian and, well, health problems are prone to my kind... despite the fact that we tend to eat more fruits, veggies, and granola than the average human being. Go figure.

Why couldn't today have been an ordinary, good day? Ugh... And now that I keep thinking about my heart, I can't seem to stop checking my pulse. : (

Today I stumbled upon a couple of pictures on facebook that were taken in my high school Spanish class at the end of my senior year. I look so awkward in them -- like I don't want to be there, and like I am hopelessly depressed, but wearing a smile for the camera's sake.

Honestly, I probably was depressed, because at the time the picture was taken I was in the process of ending a long-term relationship with my then-boyfriend, and I had some pretty bad family issues to boot. But it's still painful to see myself... well... in pain. : \

I guess that's the way it goes: The past is hard fact, it is unchangeable, undeniable. I hate to admit that I used to be that awkward, sad, lonely person... and sometimes I wonder if I'm really any different, just a year and a half later.

Hey, at the very least, my taste in clothes has been steadily improving ever since. :D

Knowing that I had so many issues in high school makes me want to laugh it off and get over it. Which is probably a weird coping mechanism, but there you have it. Maybe I just had my mid-life crisis early, in those teenage years -- and now that that's out of the way, I'll be free to live my life in peace and harmony. Once I learn how to socialize. : ]

Additionally, I am sorry to note that it is past midnight in my corner of the world, and www.postsecret.com has not been updated. ::taps foot::

This weekend, I had a great time with B, J, A, and A's friend, who happens to be a gay Asian hairdresser. : ] I also spent two nights at T's house with his parents' permission, went to a political rally, and watched a show at my college's theater, called The Rat Pack. So much fun.

But I've been having a terrible week, aside from all of that, and I can't figure out why! I've been really shy, moreso than usual, and I'm really lacking in confidence these days.

I need to do more things for myself. Practice the piano, work out, draw, write, clean my room. Then I'll be happier... and hopefully, more functional.

I have an awful habit of staying up till 11PM, even though I have to wake up at 6AM every day.

And tonight, I haven't even been doing anything productive. I've been watching Franz Ferdinand videos on YouTube for the last half hour, haha... there is something very addicting about that band. Their music is your basic rock, but with rhythms and arrangements that are more complex than the average stuff on the radio. Also: they like to be loud and energetic, which keeps me awake while driving to school in the mornings after minimal amounts of sleep. It's a vicious cycle. ; ]

Also! I got to try a wasabi peanut puff for the first time, today, and hopefully the last time. I do not recommend it.

Great, so now I'm watching a slideshow of Alex Kapranos from Franz Ferdinand and Matt Bellamy from Muse. Vicious, vicious cycle. Absolutely unbearable. ♥

Quick update before I go to class! : ]

Yesterday, my poetry class took a field trip to an art museum, where we were supposed to find a work of art that we could write a poem about. I didn't quite find one, but I did socialize a lot.

A guy in my class kept talking to me. We'd look at a painting, talk about it, find something to laugh about, and then I'd try to sneak away to another sculpture by myself, but he kept following me. I'm not used to that: people actually wanting to keep talking to me, and coming back for more. So I think I made a good impression, until the way back from the museum, when I was walking with him and two other guys, all wearing skinny jeans and talking about hilariously bad car accidents they've been in. (I was wearing skinny jeans, too, and I now have short, semi-boyish hair -- maybe they mistook me for one of their own! LOL.) I love hanging out with funny people, but I felt like I just did NOT know how to act in this group. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, socially. And what that translates into in practice is that I tend to be too quiet and too polite, and I don't fit in with groups of people right away.

I could have done better, but at least I came off as a normal person. Boring, but normal. I was also sleep-deprived and not quite fully-functional, so I'll cut myself some slack.

The concert this weekend was great, except that I had terrible allergies the entire time we were there. And the dust storm that blew over us while the last few bands played REALLY didn't help...

But Sunday was great, and today hasn't been too bad. Well, except for the fact that I needn't have dragged my sleepy arse to school: my history class was canceled, and both my French class and math class ended early. My goodness... get with the program, professors. ; ) Haha... then again, it is nice to have a "light" day of school once in a while. ♥

Also, I kind of rejected some guy who wanted my e-mail address today. I was eating a granola bar in front of the library when a 20-something grad school student from Kosovo came over and sat next to me. We talked for a while, and then he asked for my e-mail address, so he could "take me out for coffee sometime." He was really friendly, but for some reason I just can't help but feel creeped-out when things like this happen. I mean, I think most girls are weirded out by people who are too friendly, too fast... it's just a defense mechanism. Not all people are nice people. Then again, my lack of a social life reflects this attitude. : \

I just honestly have trouble letting people into my life.

Well, seeing as it's 11:40 and I need to wake up at 5:30 tomorrow... time for bed.

This is looking to be an interesting weekend... ; ]

My boyfriend's mom is running for a position in the state Senate as a district representative, and she had a debate tonight, that I went to with T and his dad. It was really insightful to actually see and meet these politicians, especially because T's mother is honestly one of the best candidates running for the position, as far as being articulate, knowledgeable, and experienced. She and I also have very similar political views... which helps!

After the debate, we went to a little Irish pub in my neighborhood, with T, his mother, and a couple of her journalist friends. I ordered a lemonade. Everyone else got a beer, haha... I was the youngest one there and I knew the least about local politics, which was awkward. Still, I was feeling pretty confident and talkative. I think the whole get-together went pretty well.

I haven't seen the presidential debate yet, but I'm going to try to watch it tonight. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty cynical about the whole election... : \

But to leave on a high note... I'm going to a concert tomorrow! It's a huge event in my area; Flogging Molly, Authority Zero, and a little band from my high school, will be there, along with about 25 other bands on three stages. LOVE IT. ; )

Today I actually got to hang out with J and B, for the first time in more than a month! It's B's 20th birthday, so we took her out to Dairy Queen, haha, and then played Smash Bros. at J's house. Good times. : ]

I'm happy to say that I've spoken up in each of my classes today. When I got to school, I felt SO tired and antisocial, but I wound up chatting with the girls who sit next to me for the entire class period. Our classroom is set up with group tables rather than individual desks, which I find helps me be more social. It's funny, how a little environmental change like that can make a classroom feel more like a community.

Now that I'm back home, I have a ton of homework and studying to do (I have a French test AND composition due this Friday... yikes), but I now have a headache and I'm still very tired. : \

Grawr.

Long time no post! : ]

I've been somewhat unsure about whether it's a good idea for me to keep writing in this journal, because my entries tend to be so analytical and put a microscope up to my social life... but this journal has helped me grow in the past, and, honestly, I feel like I still need it.

So here's an update!

I'm back in school, and did I mention that I won my scholarship back? That's right!! When I first heard the news, I was so relieved -- mostly because I'm no longer in debt and I don't have to have a job during the schoolyear in order to support myself. In fact, I'm very hesitant to find a job, because I can't afford to let my grades fall again.

As far as my classes go, I'm having a great time at school, and I'm slowly meeting new people. I haven't kept in touch with the friends I made in Mexico, which is a shame... and due to conflicting schedules, I haven't been able to hang out with my old high school friends, much, either. But I feel like I'm moving on. Creating a decent social life has always been an elusive goal for me, but I think that I've at least become a lot more functional in everyday life.

I still have minor blunders here and there, though, like today. Sometimes when I want to get to know someone better, I get intimidated by them, and I start to revert to shy tendencies. This is the conversation I had after class today, with a very cool guy who sits next to me, that I've been wanting to make friends with since the class started in August...

HIM: "You're really good at linguistics."
ME: "Yeah I guess *laughs* but I haven't been doing so great on the tests lately." *smile*
HIM: "Me neither, all those letters and symbols are so confusing..." *continues talking*
ME: *walks out the door*

It's painful to imagine how dumb that must have looked. I just honestly don't know how to "stop and talk" with people, especially in a classroom, which has been the setting for most of my social anxiety. All that I can really do about today's little boo-boo, is learn from it...

I'm promising myself that when I go to class on Thursday, I won't be so rude. I'll ask him about something class-related. Life will go on. <3

Yesterday was so much fun. I spent most of it with T -- we went to the mall, where I helped him pick out new clothes, and had dinner at a cool little Mongolian restaurant where you can build your own stir-fry. Later, we went to his friend C's house for a party. There were a lot more people there than I expected to see, including friends that T always talks about, but that I'd never met before. We wound up playing Rock Band, beer pong, and king's cup.

The first time I played Rock Band, I was great at it -- but I seem to have lost my mojo! Maybe it's bad karma from not practicing my guitar?

I was so tired after the party that I opted not to drive home, and spent the night at T's house. He lives 20 minutes away, a straight drive from my house once you get to the main road, but not exactly a safe drive when you're already half-asleep. His parents were okay with my spending the night -- T slept on the couch and I slept in his room. His parents didn't mind at all, thankfully; his mom even offered me cereal in the morning. : ]

An update on college life: it looks like I won't be able to stay in the dorms this year (I applied for housing a bit too late), so I'll be living at home. I'm excited, mostly because I'll have full access to a kitchen and to my piano, but at the same time, I'm dreading the daily drive to school at 7:30 AM. Oh, and I'm trying to find a new job. Not too excited for the work/school/homework situation, but I don't have a choice this semester. I have to work. Fortunately, thanks to the painful experiences of my last job, I think I'm now very well equipped to handle whatever comes my way.

In less than a month, I'll be back in school again. It's hard to believe that this time last year, I was scared to death of starting college. Now, I'm looking forward to it.

I'm still the same shy, quiet person that I was back then... but a bit of life experience goes a long way. I've accepted the fact that in the past, I had tremendous issues with social anxiety, and now I'm trying to give myself a better future. When I think about it, I really can't believe that in the last two years, I've been through so much -- two boyfriends, two deaths in the family, two jobs, three roommates, and one damn good month in Mexico.

So I've only been at home for about 8 days since I moved out of my dorm in May. I went to Mexico for a study abroad program, then to California with friends & family, then spent five days at my boyfriend's cabin. This summer has been great. : )

I could go on and on about how amazing Mexico is. We stayed in Mexico City (D.F.), Playa del Carmen, Cancun, and Merida. The Caribbean ocean is gorgeous, turquoise with white sand, so warm you can walk right in. I can't wait to go back.

California was fun -- I got to spend time with B and J, and my parents. And T's cabin was gorgeous, in the middle of the forest. We saw bunnies and elk and free range cows roaming the woods. :D

It's a little bit saddening to be back home, after all this time away... especially because I just found out about my catastrophic phone bill from the Mexico trip. (whoops!!) I need to get a job, I need to make an appeal for my scholarship, I need to do all kinds of painfully mature things in order to get ready for the next semester of college. Oy.

But this has been one damn good vacation from it all.

Summer has always been my favorite part of the year... even in Arizona. ; ]

So I went to my old high school's orchestra concert today. It was tons of fun.

However... somebody needs to slap me and tell me to stop worrying about the fact that my ex-boyfriend is a douche. Right now. I need to learn to let these things go...

Anyway, I did spend a lot of awesome time with my girls J and B. : ] And T is coming over momentarily to help me finish cleaning my room.

Also: I leave for Mexico this Thursday. :D

Today has been fun. I sold my old textbooks for about $200, which I was pretty excited about, and went to an awesome restaurant with T, where we shared a Mocha + Irish Cream milkshake. Yum! : ]

Then in the evening, B, J, A, and I went to my old high school's last band concert of the year. I got to see F there, who had a ridiculous blue mohawk (the entire percussion section had dyed their hair). J and I wanted to talk to him after the concert was over, but he had disappeared, probably for the best.

Afterwards, went to see Iron Man. We split up into two cars on the drive to the theater, and J and I wound up getting lost for about half an hour, haha. (I have a horrendous sense of direction, and so does J. We were doomed from the start!) After the movie, we went to pick up A's boyfriend at work. Waiting outside was... well... interesting. A is hilarious -- she kept us entertained by breakdancing and acting out an Oprah show. Good times. ;D

I love those girls.

...at least, that's what the last few weeks of college felt like to me. But it's finally over!

I almost feel nostalgic. Almost.

But I doubtlessly will when I get over the excitement of being through with finals and all things school-related. In fact, even as I write this, I'm contemplating all of the good things about this year. There were many, despite the aforementioned tears.

But I won't get emotional. Not now. I do that far too often as it is.

This has been one crazy year.

Here's to surviving. : ]

I just took my English final today, and went home afterwards, tired and relieved. I was positive that I had only one final today, and four tomorrow. Five classes, five finals.

Turns out I had two today, and three tomorrow. I just missed one.

I currently have at least a C in English, and a definite D in Anthropology now that I missed the last test. I can't believe I did that. I'm getting A's and B's in my other classes, but my GPA will definitely be dragged down by this.

I feel sick to my stomach. I'm almost definitely going to lose my scholarship, because I don't think it's possible for my GPA to be at 3.25 or above now.

Well, that's life, I guess. I was basically being paid to go to school for the last two semesters -- in high school, I earned a $60,000 scholarship for four years in college, as long as I satisfied the requirements to renew it every semester until I graduated. And I think I just blew it.

I am trying so hard not to hate myself right now...

EDIT:

After I wrote this, I decided to double check what time the exam started at... and it turned out that it was supposed to start at 12:20, a few hours later than I had thought. And I had until 2:00 to take it. I looked at the clock, and it was 12:21. So I ran outside, hopped in my car, and hauled ass to school.

When I got to the classroom, everyone had already left except for the TA's, who were not happy that they had to wait for me to take the test before they could go. But I finished it... and even though I hadn't studied for it yet, I think I did alright.

::sigh of relief::

Oh. my. god.

I'm officially pulling an all-nighter... now that it's 5:34 AM and I'm watching the sun rise.

Excuse me while I go run into oncoming traffic...